GNN - Final Update 1/13/17
By: Sean Silvia
By: Emma Sorkin
Opinion Piece: Candidate Intros
Kathryn O’Halloran
“If you elect me, I will make the changes that will advance our country even further. We need to get rid of the conventional mundane system that is failing us day to day,” O’Halloran said. “We need change.” O’Halloran’s introduction is poised, confident and timely. While she does not go into depth into any specific issues, we are sure to hear more from this promising campaign.
Andrew Shiman
“America is a nation in decline. Internationally, we have lost our status as a public beacon of democracy and leader of the free world,” Shiman said. Shiman’s intro is relatively pessimistic, focusing on the current shortcomings instead of the opportunities and methods for improvement in the future. This gap in information will surely be addressed later on.
Zara Memon
“It means providing for every American to have their own version of the American dream,” Memon said in explanation of her slogan, For the Future. Memon’s uplifting approach projects positivity and her campaign basis of progression and movement is evident.
Matthew Rones
“I am not running for president to solve the world’s problems. I am running for president to put America first,” Rones said. Rones clearly outlines his stance on issues, with a heavy focus on issues at home in America. Full of bold statements, this speech made a memorable first impression.
Su Han
“As America faces new issues, we refuse to listen to our global neighbors,” Han explained. “I, Su Han, will be the president who listens, not only to the world, but to you, the people.” Han’s brief address outlines a campaign filled with an emphasis on community and empathy.
Kyra Du
“As the first LGBT candidate running for office, I hope my platform can bring about a new wave of progressivism,” Du said. Du’s introduction focuses on change and progressing our current values and opinions. Du has already made history as the first openly LGBT candidate.
GNN - Friday Update One 12/1/2016
By: Sean Silvia
Scandal Rocks Rones Campaign; Embezzlement of Funds Possible
By: Sean Silvia and Jennie Yu
A campaign isn’t truly a campaign until scandals arise, and Election 2016 is no exception.
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GNN has received expenditure records from a certain candidate’s non-profit foundation, calling into question this individual’s ethics and honesty: allegedly, Matthew Rones embezzled SGA capital originally intended to fund bRAVE in order to pay for a 15-foot tall painting of his face.
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“I have no clue where the money came from. You tryin’ to start something, man?” said the artist involved in the scandal, who will go by the name of Bob Ross to preserve his anonymity. Although Ross said that he found it slightly odd that someone would ask for a 15-foot portrait, “I’ve had weirder. Take the lady who wanted a collective sculpture of her 16 Egyptian cats. Other than seeming stuck-up, this guy was pretty normal, considering.”
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This issue was brought to light when a GNN reporter received in their mailbox documents signed by the foundation secretary, allocating the funds for the artwork. Upon request for comment, we didn’t hear back with an official statement, but received a handwritten response on a napkin, written in crayon, saying “Up yours.”
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Stay tuned for further scandalous developments regarding this scandalous development.
"Su" Good to be True: Mob Connections Revealed
By: Emma Sorkin and Jared Levine
As far as candidates go Ms. Su Han seemed like the perfect package. A reliable platform, a solid cabinet, and of course, a winning smile. It came as no surprise then, that Han placed ahead of other candidates, namely Matthew Rones and Zara Memon in recent polls. Her momentum has come to a screeching halt, however, with GNN’s most recent scandalous discovery.
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Late last night, a dead drop was unearthed, allegedly linking candidate Su Han to various mob figures. In addition to the fake glasses, immaculately tailored suit, extensive collection of sharpened hair pins, and seemingly innocuous rainbow umbrella, a ransom note was found addressed to an esteemed NIH doctor. This doctor, one of Han’s nine endorsements, was threatened with bodily harm to his dearest companion, by none other than “the mob.” GNN had the pleasure of interviewing the doctor earlier today, who chose to remain anonymous.
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“I was just so shocked,” he said, “When I read what was left on my desk, I broke down. I can’t imagine life without Jimmy. I just keep picturing his green scales covered in sweat, his poor little bulbous eyes shaking in his head, his adorable hinds legs trembling with fear. So I did...I did what they asked. Don’t laugh! You would’ve done the same if you knew how much Jimmy means to me. Who else would I cuddle with on cold winter nights?!”
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While the facts continue to roll in, one thing is for sure: this is a massive blow to Han’s forward momentum. Not only is this specific endorsement falsified, but this could be the tip of the iceberg for Han’s relationship with the mob. No matter what happens, you can count on GNN to keep you informed
GNN - Friday Update Two 12/9/2016
By: Sean Silvia (Intro Guitar Theme Composed by Sean Silvia as well)
Candidate Speeches:
By: Abbi Audas and Emma Sorkin
Financial Analysis
Kathryn O’Halloran’s financial endorsement includes support from the American Federation for Children, Exxon Mobil, McDonald’s, Whole Foods, Boeing and Angelina Jolie. One notable endorsement is from the American Federation for Children (AFC), an organization that supports the voucher program which can take away funds from public schools. This endorsement could indicate that O’Halloran is not a strong supporter of the public school system and even a supporter of the expansion of charter and private schools. Exxon Mobil has some of the “highest carbon emissions” and claims to be “opposed to requirements and regulations” from the EPA. This clarifies O’Halloran’s policy of decreasing EPA involvement in business by implementing softer incentives. The endorsement from Whole Foods is likely the most extreme as they announced that “Obamacare is like fascism.” This extreme criticism is likely aligned with the candidate’s own views on Obamacare. Along with Whole Foods, Boeing, McDonald’s and Angelina Jolie are all critics of Obamacare, indicating that O’Halloran will likely reform health care if elected. The endorsements also indicate a focus on business policies rather than social policies.
Zara Memon’s financial disclosure includes the endorsements by Apple, Al Gore, Greenpeace, American Teachers Federation, Human rights campaign and UNICEF. Within the list of endorsements, Memon’s endorsement by the Human Rights Campaign notably draws her platform away from the other approaches candidates have taken when discussing issue on social justice. This endorsement could draw more voters towards her campaign in the attempt to approach human rights in a different way. Al Gore, experienced climate change activist, supports Memon’s ideals surrounding gravity and global warming. The endorsements all revolve around education and the importance of learning new things to make beneficial change to society. The endorsement by Greenspace is the most extreme for its endorsement of Memon’s bold undertaking to the environmental changes at stake. The six endorsements for Memon’s campaign surround her social and business policies as she is focused on supporter everyone’s future in the most equal way.
Better Dead Than Red: Shiman’s Communist Obsession Revealed
By: Sean Silvia and Abbi Audas
The investigative journalists at GNN have unearthed more scintillating scandal, this time revolving around alleged communist Andrew Shiman. This could drastically impact his campaign, as Americans all seem to share a collective allergy to the word “socialism,” and a condition where the word “communist” must always be followed by the word “bastard.”
After tweeting a particularly savage tweet, Shiman stood up from his computer and his pocket sized copy of the Communist Manifesto, signed by Karl Marx himself, hit the floor with a quiet thud. The manifesto is currently in our evidence locker at GNN.
Need more evidence? We’ve caught Shiman on what we suspect is his daily pilgrimage to the local Karl Marx shrine, based in the District of Columbia, where like-minded communists meet to have tea and plot violent revolution.
Leaving the pilgrimage, an eyewitness watched as Shiman clenched his fingers and shouted, “SEIZE THE MEANS OF INSTRUCTION!” This of course fits well with his frequent bouts with the FEC.
Shiman’s alternative communist twitter account, @marxluvr4lyf, will most likely continue to actively disrupt the Veni Vidi Tweeti page with more scandalous posts.
Tweeters have commonly reacted to Shiman’s tweets with the same response as they had towards Stalin’s twitter account. An anonymous student source told GNN how shocked they were to see Shiman’s recent tweet about his active love and passion for communist rulers.
After an endorsement by an active supporter for Democratic policies and candidates, the endorser recently discussed his plans to discontinue his endorsement to protect his life as he knows it.
“The communist uprising is coming, and I don’t plan to have any ties to this scoundrel,” he said. “I cannot believe my candidate would abandon all that he has ever learned to pursue other endorsements.”
Du the Crime, Du the Time - What Did Kyra Du?
By: Emma Sorkin and Jared Levine
Kyra Du has been Period 7’s shimmering beacon of hope in this murky, shady race for the presidency. With her impeccable speaking skills, stalwart policies and composed demeanor, Du has embodied the class and poise required to be a presidential candidate. But like every moon and progressive rock band, Du has her dark side.
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We at GNN uncovered an inconspicuous manila envelope located in the crevice of a hidden teleprompter. Inside the sealed envelope, we discovered what appeared to be a paper list. Upon further discovery, the mysterious paper was confirmed to be Du’s own juvenile record.
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The records show that multiple restraining orders were issued against the candidate by a Mr. Dont. Our team of investigators has traced the pair back to 2012, when their Facebook statuses indicated that they were “In a Relationship.” A friend of the source, who has chosen to remain anonymous, spoke to GNN about the alleged couple.
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“They were horrible for each other. I knew that right from the start,” the friend revealed.
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“He tried to keep the pair together but it was a lost cause after she wouldn't speak to him after he missed her 253rd consecutive speech tournament.”
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Police reports indicate that “You’re an abhorrent egregious ignoramus - Not KD” was repeatedly scrawled in red lipstick across Mr. Dont’s 15th floor penthouse window, thus warranting the first restraining order. The second restraining order followed merely a week after Mr. Dont found a flute shoved through his T.V. screen. The third order came within ten days when Du was caught by security while trying to break intb in Mr. Dont’s apartment with a sharpened glasses frame in hand.
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Du was arrested on site and brought to court, but was acquitted immediately. When asked why, an anonymous jury member said, “Well, she was going to jail, but then we all just changed our minds. I can’t tell you why. The last thing I remember is the soft hum of a flute, and the next thing I knew, the trial was over.”
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Besides her criminal record, this folder exposed Kyra’s underlying violent tendencies, to which we don’t know the extent. No matter how Du responds to this shocking turn of events, you can count on GNN for up to date coverage.
By: Jennie Yu
Endorsement Analysis
Candidate Andrew Shiman has been endorsed by a high-level Democratic political operative. This endorser in question, who has ties to the Governor’s mansion and Capitol Hill, worked on Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, which conflicts with the new information that has just emerged about Shiman’s communist ties. Why would an active Democrat choose to endorse an accused Karl Marx lover? (The answer may lie in the fact that there seems to be relation between the two. Conflict of interest? Perhaps.) However, regardless of this individual’s political orientation, he is still highly educated and has unparalleled experience in the field dealing with domestic and foreign policy. If he endorsed Shiman, it’s highly likely that Shiman’s platform, although radical, does have some well-thought-out approaches to solving national and international issues.
Candidate Zara Memon received an endorsement from biology teacher Mrs. Janice Bauroth. Memon has explicitly mentioned her intent to deal with the threat of global warming, stating that it “poses a serious threat to our immediate safety as well as the safety of future generations.” Bauroth is a strong supporter of this approach towards environmental preservation, and her background in science only serves to authenticate the Memon campaign’s valid concerns.
In addition, Bauroth is an experienced teacher with three daughters of her own, so she knows firsthand the benefits and drawbacks of the American education system. Her endorsement of Memon’s campaign and its plans to relieve students from the unnecessary stress of Common Core shows that in Bauroth’s expert opinion, Memon’s approach is the ideal one for the country at this time.
GNN - Friday Update Three 12/16/2016
By: Sean Silvia (Final Guitar Theme Composed by Sean Silvia as well)
Globalization or Isolation? Memon, O'Halloran, Rones
By: Jennie Yu and Emma Sorkin
Conflict and disagreement abound in today’s 21st century world. As a global power, it is only natural for the United States to want to step in; however, sometimes we must consider: would it be better for us to stay out? The issue is a tricky one, and countless politicians have addressed it how they saw fit. Now, it is Period 7’s turn to make a difference, and our candidates have all developed their plans for overseas involvement: some say we should keep to ourselves, and some say we should be the world’s watchdog, playing the “big brother” role. Whatever the case may be, GNN is here with an in-depth analysis on four candidates to help you, the American public, determine which of them is most deserving of your vote.
Memon
Memon’s platform is adamant about the fact that she will not send any soldiers overseas. Instead, developing countries fighting ISIS will receive our country’s full support in the form of military supplies sent directly to them. In addition, traveling to these developing countries to educate them about democracy is one of Memon’s priorities. As stated on For the Future’s campaign website: “Every single year, the amount of democracies in the world increases, but we still have a long way to go. The entire Eastern Hemisphere is still ruled by other forms of government, and it is our goal to change that (Roser).” Memon’s official source here is Max Roser (vis-à-vis a nonprofit called Our World in Data) who, according to his website, is an economist working at the University of Oxford. Roser has degrees in economics, philosophy, and geoscience, but doesn’t have any credentials in the foreign relations or political science fields, which indicates that while he is well-spoken, he is not a true expert on the subject of globalization versus isolation. Other sources used to establish this platform include the news outlet CNN, which is known for being relatively liberal. This, of course, aligns with Memon’s platform, but also qualifies as a biased source, one that the constituency shouldn’t rely on to assess the situation overseas in a completely ambiguous way. Although GNN does not doubt the accuracy of the data CNN presents, we also realize that it cannot qualify as a completely trustworthy source simply due to the network’s political orientation.
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O’Halloran
O’Halloran’s foreign policy emphasizes her view that before focusing on issues abroad, we need to solve domestic problems. In her speech, O’Halloran said that “we cannot help other countries if our country is not functioning smoothly.” O’Halloran also explained that we need to ensure that our military is powerful so that we are able to establish a “hard line with the Middle East.” O’Halloran’s foreign policy also includes backing Israel and supporting those fighting ISIS.
In her speech, O’Halloran assured the constituency that “we will defeat ISIS.” While O’Halloran’s views seem cohesive and realistic, no sources are cited. There is no specific data or facts to back up these claims, calling into question the feasibility of these plans. While the manner in which the policy is presented is professional, the lack of researched facts and proven strategies are concerning, thus these statements less reliable.
Rones
Rones’ platform emphasizes a foreign policy plan in which the U.S. will take a “meat ax to the UN and make the entire organization accountable for international conflicts, not just our armed forces.” His plan also includes focusing on domestic issues, decreasing military activity, limiting our involvement in foreign affairs and removing our armed forces from Iraq and Syria. Rones justifies these claims by arguing that these actions will save money, lives and allow other countries to “pursue their own destinies.” Rones says that, “Our military currently spends over 600 Billion Dollars; over one half of our annual budget, an unnecessarily enormous amount of money.” However, this data is presented without an official source. It is unclear where the data was taken from and thus unreliable. When making a sweeping claim with exact numbers, it is necessary to include where the data was taken from. Otherwise it is unreliable and unverified, making it hard for the voters to trust Rones’ statements and plans.
Zara Memon: Is Her Voter Still In Heaven?
By: Emma Sorkin and Jared Levine
In this election, candidate Zara Memon’s connection with her voter has been unparalleled, as she has vowed to fix problems hurting each and every common man. But we at GNN have discovered that Memon’s relatable policies and personality were not her own work.
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After scarfing down a stack of homemade pancakes and maple syrup at “The 99% Diner,” duly named for its legendary 99% pure maple syrup, our correspondents came across a suspicious, round metal object hidden within the complementary Reuben. After further investigation at the lab, we discovered the foreign object to be a miniature microphone sized perfectly to fit snugly inside an ear. The microphone periodically began emitting “down with the banks” and “you get healthcare, you get healthcare, everybody gets healthcare!” Curious, we at GNN news took the opportunity to behave as Zara, and see what the microphone transmitted.
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We mimicked an uncomfortable laugh every third word, only talked about school and field hockey and didn't mention foreign policy once. The earpiece picked up the signals and responded with “Ok remember: Relate to your voter's, tax the rich, cut education, buy low sell high and of course, don’t mention foreign policy.” Our experts triangulated the source of the transmission to come from a small state bordering New Hampshire.
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This has the implication to completely derail Memon’s “For the Future” campaign. Once her single voter learns that it wasn't really Zara behind her promises, her campaign may become completely devoid of support. Count on GNN for more coverage of this-um-sticky situation. We know you all are Bern-ing to know more.
Holla For O'Scandal
By: Jennie Yu, Abbi Audas, Emma Sorkin, Sean Silvia, and Jared Levine
Candidate Kathryn O’Halloran has kept a relatively low profile during this election, not engaging in any high-profile Twitter wars or salty attacks directed at other candidates. However, this sweet, unassuming candidate has been concealing her true passion: watching risque and bizarre movies to fill the yawning void within her soul.
O’Halloran has committed the sin of stealing a Netflix password from an intern working on her campaign, Mr. Ned Flixnchill. Flixnchill left his doodle notebook at the office last Friday, in which he stored his important and beautiful Irish Octopi friends, as well as his computer passwords.
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The password for his Netflix was found within the doodles and helped O’Halloran log into his Netflix account. The Netflix account blocked Flixnchill while O’Halloran took advantage of the password: nosurrender.
GNN, through our trademark covert ops journalism techniques, gained access to this Netflix history. On it, we found movies and TV shows that were slightly disturbing on several levels:
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Let’s Be Evil
White Girl
I Am Not a Serial Killer
Ghost Team Unrated
And finally, The Fundamentals of Caring. (We infer this was found here because O’Halloran desired some guidance in that regard.)
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Interns would catch O’Halloran gazing at her computer, drawn to her “campaign and work to holler for O’Halloran,” one intern said.
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Interns were all terrified to approach O’Halloran while she continued to excuse herself from work.
“She kept telling me to go away and get to work on the campaign,” an intern said. “ ‘I am watching some serious and important films that will help me advance my policies,’ she would yell.”
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The interns were barely given information about the “films” she was watching and continued to work. Eventually, Flixnchill called for an investigation to discover the hacker of his Netflix account.
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The investigation is still ongoing.
Editor's Notice Regarding Endorsements
By: Jennie Yu and Sean Silvia
Recently GNN has been called upon to endorse one of the six candidates vying to become our next head of state. However, it is with a heavy heart that we must inform you of our updated position. Our staff has unanimously voted to abstain from endorsement until further notice.* Although Kyra has made a very strong showing, we think it would be good for the campaign process (since we believe competition brings out better candidates) for us to endorse one of the other five. We hope that the upcoming speeches will help us formulate a more educated decision in that regard.
*There has been a disappointing lack of groveling and bribery**
**Try and guess if we're kidding
GNN - Holiday Special 12/23/16
By: Sean Silvia