Galaxy News Network

Oh behalf of all the fruit flies of America we will not stand for their unlawful, unconsensual cross breeding. The latest polls have just been published and my campaign team and I was rather surprised at the low ratings I received. This leads me to believe that voters are not taking my campaign seriously. But I can assure you, I am as serious as any other candidate about this election, but what sets me apart from the others is my platform. You see, I am like the trojan horse; on the surface, people expect very little of me, but in reality, there are some big league ideas on the hold.

Our great Union can only get better and will get better through a balanced platform. In this speech I will walk you through my balanced platform, which works to satisfy our extreme liberals and our acute conservatives. I will satisfy all of our conservatives by lowering taxes across the board, becoming less involved in the United Nations, and systematically paying off the debt. I will satisfy all of our liberals with more education spending, terminating our wars in Syria and Iraq, and expanding EPA regulations. I will satisfy all parties by reforming the Affordable HealthCare Act to provide healthcare for all workers and the unemployed.

There once was a great book, I’ve referred to throughout my life. A criticism of the American political system, All The King’s Men by Robert Penn Warren, tells the story of an ambitious politician named Willie Stark, who rises to power in the state of Louisiana. Stark is a very charismatic speaker, and in his speeches, he would often rile up the audience by calling his constituents to action, telling them to grab the meat ax and hold the government accountable for its actions. Well, in a similar sense, it is long overdue that the United States takes that meat ax to the UN and make the entire organization accountable for international conflicts, not just our armed forces. In doing this, we should also limit our direct intervention in foreign affairs, and instead shift our focus to the problems that plague us back home.

In this effort we will immediately begin decreasing our military activity. Most importantly, I plan a sweeping removal of our armed forces from Iraq and Syria. My reforms will reduce the size of our military to only populate our bases at near capacity, but not exceeding. This will allow us to maintain a strong military, while considerably decreasing spending and activity. If we are not fighting wars in our own interest, we shall not fight any wars.

We shall no longer be the world police and act in the interest of the United Nations. When we pull back our military we will minimize our responsibility to fight all of the UN fights. This allows us to save money, prevent unnecessary deaths, and allow other nations to pursue their own destinies. We will stay politically active in the UN and the other supranational organizations, but we will not be allocating unnecessary funds to diplomatic entanglements. Our military currently spends over 600 Billion Dollars; over one half of our annual budget, an unnecessarily enormous amount of money. Instead, we’ll use these funds on Americans suffering at home.

Currently income tax rates are too high to allow for any private financial maneuverability. Any savings that would ensure a happier future for our families, instead now goes to paying off federal income taxes. In some cases people struggle to simply pay their taxes, let alone pay rent. This isn’t fair, and as Americans we shouldn’t accept it! I suggest that we reform our bracket system, which is currently between 10%-39.6%, (2016 Individual Income Tax Rates, Standard Deductions, Personal Exemptions, and Filing   Thresholds), to be  between 8.75%-25%, without taxing our lowest income tax bracket under $9 276. Also, large business owners will not be able to redeem a “business expense” tax break, yet, small businesses will be be able to claim business expense tax breaks. This way, we’ll be protecting small businesses and making sure multi-billion dollar businesses pay their fair share. The funding lost from income taxes will be made up by cutting a large portion of our military spending and new value added taxes.

According to the Small Business Act of 2016, “enterprises shall be deemed to be a small business  . . . if it  has annual receipts not in excess of $750,000” (“Compilation of Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act”). The Affordable HealthCare Act only mandates businesses above this to provide a minimal health care option, and companies that hire fewer than 50 employees are exempt. This is unacceptable. My platform will require all employers to provide complete health insurance plans and pay most, if not all, of the premiums for their employees and their families. With small businesses in mind, the House of Representatives may allocate funds for qualifying businesses to provide their employees with health care if the business’s net income is below One Million Dollars. Furthermore, Medicaid, will only be available for American Citizens and legal residents who live at or below the poverty line and/or are unemployed for more than 120 days of the fiscal year. To be clear, we are not forcing American citizens to take health insurance from their employers, or the government; they will still have the option to get competitively priced private insurance of their own in the open market. But for those who do need an option, America will once again be on their side with a cohesive health care plan for every man, woman and child.

The future of America rests on the shoulder of our youths. The only  way to guarantee a proper education is through well funded public schools. My plan is to allocate more funding for struggling publics schools, especially in the inner cities. Everyday more americans will wake up and receive a complete education and graduate from high school. But that is just the first step. T advance education, after high school, my team is working on a plan to provide tremendous  funding for public and state universities to make college affordable for all. If all goes well, I want the next generation of American youths to be the second or third or fourth person from their family to go to university. Yes! It is possible to provide good secondary education for all Americans, and I am committed to doing so. In the interest of our country’s future, we must invest in our youth, not only is it morally the right thing to do, but also the smart thing. Our youth is our county’s future, let’s make sure that future is the best it can be.

Every campaign promises to bring back manufacturing jobs to the American Working Class, none of these promises have had a definitive structure, but I do. My team is drafting a bill that would encourage businesses to keep their manufacturing in America through 3 methods. First, we’ll have a minor tax break on initial property taxes, to attract big businesses into buying land and building factories. Second, we’ll have major taxes on businesses that don’t have at least 90% of their manufacturing jobs on American soil by the fiscal year of 2020. Third, we’ll have a 27% tariff on imported manufactured goods; any manufactured goods with the shipping label: from China, will be taxed. This will be a huge step towards putting America first. First in manufacturing, first in jobs, first in health, first in education. We will make big league advances in our international standing. But most importantly, we will focus on rewarding those who work to save this earth, and discourage the weak who haven’t joined our fight yet. We will stand up, together, for what’s right.

Now, the urgency with which these domestic issues must be addressed is undeniable. But equally as important is the conflict that our planet will face if steps are not taken to combat global warming: the imminent disaster, destruction and death of planet earth. If elected, I plan to keep the promises that President Barack Obama made to the world when he signed the Paris Accords. I will do this by creating a carbon tax to be paid by businesses who use energy from fossil fuels to operate. This will in turn encourage businesses to transition into using renewable energy sources. I will also stimulate a transition from the agriculture and animal husbandry industries to the renewable energy industry in the Great Plains region, specifically wind and solar energy. This will be done by providing small subsidies to renewable energy companies for setting up solar and wind energy farms in the region. Not only will this increase the amount of renewable energy available in the U.S. but it will also greatly reduce methane emissions, which are responsible for over 25% of atmospheric disturbances.

Under my leadership, all citizens, rich or poor, black or white, old or young, will flourish; small businesses, will flourish; education, will flourish; the environment, will flourish; people’s health, will flourish; success will be inevitable.

… Oh and one more thing. Trust is crucial to this campaign. You want to be sure that you aren’t trusting any Sue, oh I mean Capone, sorry. I can assure you I am no Sue, oh I mean Capone sorry. I’m not a mobster, America, above all else, I’m not a mobster. I won’t work for corrupt gangsters, I’ll work for Americans who want a better tomorrow, and I won’t be the candidate that degrades our very pillars of democracy, the media. I’m not Sue, oh I mean Donald, ugh I mean Capone, sorry! I’m Matthew Rones and I’m working for Americans.